Exactly four months ago my dad died from a heart attack at 42. October 22nd, 2011 I received a phone call telling me I would no longer see him again. I can’t believe it’s been 120 days and I still feel as in shock as I did that day. The smiles on my face cover every little thing that I feel. Each time someone frantically raises their eyebrows or repeats anything remotely close to something as silly as beavis and butthead all I think about is him. How he would tell me I’m his superstar and how I will always be a Nix. No matter what happens or where I go. I adored every part of him. I saved the last voicemail he left me a week before he died. He rambled on about how much of a failure he was and how he used to be somebody. How he wished he had done better. For him. For my mom. For our family. For me. Crying on the voicemail the last thing he said to me was asking for my forgiveness. As if I hadn’t already blessed him with it. I so desperately wanted him in my life and he only thought the worst of himself. He truly believed distancing himself from me would keep me from ending up like him. He didn’t sail the world. He didn’t get his doctorate. He didn’t hold down a sales job for more than 3 years at a time. He didn’t allow me to grow up in the same house as him. He didn’t teach me the differences between right and wrong. He didn’t warn me how mean boys were or comfort me when I got my heart broken. He wasn’t there when I got my first job. He wasn’t there to teach me how to drive or change a flat tire. But what I know now and will never forget is that he taught me that no matter how many rocks life throws at you, throw boulders back. He wasn’t religious and neither am I but going through his things after he passed away I came across Galatians 6:9 in his wallet. “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” He taught me that no matter how hard times can get, we must remember that God has not given up on us. Of all thousand verses he carried in his wallet, it was that one. Deep down I know he wanted to change. Alcoholism is a sickness and it tears people apart. He chose it. I know he only wanted me to take a different route than him and become the best person I can be. And I thrive on that.
” Never fun faster than your guardian angel to fly”
Written 4 Months After