The past semester I’ve felt trapped in my own head debating what I will be doing after graduation. I’ve thought about anything and everything completely out of my control. I’ve been depressed about the past and anxious about the future. I’ve been pissed off at those that have too much and cried for those who have too little. I’ve done everything in my power to distract myself from my own feelings and left myself all alone. No one did anything to me at all for me to feel this way. When I’ve sought advice from others and read articles for a new perspective, I kept getting angrier and more confused. I would then believe and identify with what advice was given whether that be find your relationship with Jesus Christ, be more mindful and meditate, or seek comfort in connection from those around me.
I remember growing up my nana always reminded us that what we don’t like in other people, we don’t like in ourselves based our perceptions, our beliefs, our experiences. This has really hit home with me as I rewatch a Tedtalk by Brene Brown about Wholehearted living. She stresses that while shame, resentment, and guilt may arise from vulnerability, so does joy, happiness, gratitude, and grace. In the midst of adversity, we can soar. We must not believe that the worth we are given by other people is our worth. We must believe in ourselves first before others can take us seriously. If not, we will be one fucking mess that someone else has to clean up. I’ve been really mean to myself contemplating my own intellectual ability to become a researcher with fears of not having enough.
I’ve caught myself categorizing those who voted for Trump as against my beliefs and moral integrity when I see white nationalists speak on behalf of our great nation. I’ve had to remind myself that the reason they are so passionate about what they belief is mutually the reason why I am so passionate about refugees. It is based on our experience. Our need to feel and connect. Our desire to feel heard and understood. Our fear of not having enough. Our habit of control.